Relationship - ” the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected” (Dictionary).
Relationships are our foundation. They are what make us human. They are what bring us the most joy and the most pain. Relationships are everywhere, intertwined with everything, and each one of us has unique and intricate relationships with everything and everyone we come in contact with. When we enter this world we enter it already in a relationship with our parents. We have our relationships with our friends, our family, our significant others, our high powers, and arguably the most important relationship we will ever have - the one we have with ourselves. It's a strange phenomena - we spend our entire lives living, experiencing, and being in relationship with ourselves and those around us, and yet very few people out there claim to be relationship experts. According to Malcolm Gladwell, spending more than 10,000 hours doing something makes you an expert at it...so we should all be relationship experts, right? So why are they so hard? Why do we seem to struggle with them so much? - these are complicated questions that deserve a much lengthier discussion with multi-faceted answers, but for the purpose of this post I am going to focus on the ideas of connection and vulnerability.
So what is connection? The dictionary says it's “a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.” Okay..., so when we connect to another, we are linking or associating ourselves with someone. To me this definition cannot be well understood without the definition of vulnerability, which reads, the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. Now going back to connection - a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else. - this association, this linking, with something else, with someone else is vulnerability, and vulnerability means exposing ourselves to the possibility of being harmed - physically or emotionally. I don’t think you can have connection without vulnerability, and vulnerability is scary because by its definition, it is exposing us to the possibility of being harmed. Why do I say that? Because when we are making a connection with something, or someone, we are essentially saying “I am in a relationship with this thing, person, idea” I am associated with this, and by associating with it, any potential harm that could come to that thing, person, idea, can now come to you.
For example, say you really like purple socks (stay with me here). You wear purple socks, you pretty much only buy purple socks, you are friends with other people who like purple socks, you could say you have a connection to purple socks. Then one day maybe you over hear your co-workers, friends at school, family members, etc talking about how much they hate purple socks, how they look stupid, and how they wouldn’t be caught dead associating with purple socks. Maybe this is said directly to you, or maybe you are even harassed or bullied for associating with purple socks. This might cause you to doubt yourself, thinking “are purple socks even that cool” “why do i even like purple socks” “am I stupid for liking purple socks?” So maybe you start hiding them under your pants. Or maybe you only wear them when you are at home, or maybe you stop wearing them all together, and shove all your purple socks to the back of your closet, or maybe you even throw them out all together. This is an example of the sentiment that when we are in a relationship with something, or someone, we are being vulnerable, and when we are vulnerable, there is a chance we can get hurt. When we get hurt, we take measures to protect ourselves, and when we protect ourselves, it changes the way we relate to people, things, and ideas. What are we really protecting ourselves from? It's not the socks. Replace the socks, with anything else, a hobby, an interest, a friend, a lover, a parent. It's our connection with them that we are protecting against, we are closing the possibility that we can be hurt by them. So we learn overtime to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from exposing ourselves to hurt, by doing this, we end up protecting ourselves from connection and when we protect ourselves from connection - we don’t feel fulfilled in our relationships. Ok, so what do we do about it? Again, a complicated question with complicated answers, but the simple answer - Lots of things!
1. Developing a strong relationship with yourself. The cliche is true, we need to have love to give love. Can you be vulnerable with yourself? Can you allow yourself to feel things, experience things, acknowledge things. Journal, mediate, read books, go to therapy, figure out what you like and dislike. What do you value? What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? What makes you feel loved? How do you accept love from others? How do you tend to show others love? Get to know yourself! I listed this first, because I think it has to come before all others, if we don’t know ourselves, if we can’t be vulnerable with ourselves, how can we expect to be vulnerable with others?
2. Foster Awareness - This kind of goes along with getting to know yourself, but just being aware that you struggle to be vulnerable with others, that it's a challenge for you to connect, is huge! Awareness is such a huge first step and one that often takes a lot of time to foster, so be proud of yourself for having this awareness, because you are one step closer to solving the problem. You can deepen your awareness by asking yourself the questions, when was the first time I remember being vulnerable ? How did it go? How might this experience shape how I relate to others? Are there people in my life that feel safe to be vulnerable with? What do they do that makes me feel that way? Are there people in my life that I know I can’t be vulnerable with? What do they do that makes me feel that way? How would I know that it is safe for me to be vulnerable with someone? What do I need in order to be vulnerable in a relationship?
3. Practice being vulnerable. What do you mean? All things take time, and we get better at something by practicing it. If you can learn to be vulnerable in situations that don’t feel as scary or overwhelming, it will help you get better at being vulnerable in situations where it feels wayyyy to scary to be vulnerable. This can be raising your hand in class to answer a question you know, or to give your opinion on something, wearing those funky earrings, or trying a new style that is out of your comfort zone. It can be going to that meet-up group, art class, book club, movie, concert, etc, that you’ve always wondered what it would be like to try. It can be greeting the strangers we often interact with in our lives, maybe you introduce yourself to your neighbors, or you ask the barista at your favorite coffee shop their name, or you strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to you on the bus, train, plane, etc. Start small, but practice often. The first time you go to strike up small talk with the person you always see at your gym - terrifying. The 5th, 10th, 20th time you do it? Maybe still terrifying, but my guess is that it's slightly easier than that very first time, because you have 19 other experiences under your belt, 19 other times that it either went really well, or fell flat. 19 experiences that you can look at and say, I survived each of those times.
4. Have compassion. For yourself, and those around you. Relationships are hard, whether it's with yourself or someone else, relationships are hard and they require effort and work to build and maintain them. As humans, it's only inevitable that we will screw up and that's okay! It's about progress not perfection. Expect that you will screw up, so that when you do, you can say, okay,I knew this was coming, what can I learn from it? How can I do better in the future? What do I know now that I didn't know before? Everything is a process and everyone makes mistakes. Seriously. Everyone. Try not to beat yourself up for it, and if you catch your mind thinking mean things about you, your worthiness, or your lovability, try just noticing that it is happening, and if you can, stop the thoughts, or even better, replace them with positive ones. For example, if you catch yourself thinking “I screwed up, like I always screw up, see, you’re such screw up, you don’t deserve love” try replacing it with “I made a mistake, I am human, this didn’t turn out how I had hoped it would, but I am worthy of love, and I will use this situation to learn from so that I can try again.” You can keep it simple, and just repeat, I am worthy of love, I am worthy of love. Or I am human, I am human - you get the idea.
All of this being said, I encourage you to do your own research and to check out some of the resources I have linked below. Social by Matthew Lieberman talks about our biological need for connection, while, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman discusses the ways of “languages” in which we give and receive love. Mandy Len Catron discusses 36 questions that will “make you fall in love with a stranger” or to say it another way, 36 questions to foster vulnerability and connection with yourself, a friend, a co-worker, a new romantic relationship, a random stranger, your lifelong partner, your parents, your aunts, your uncles, your siblings, your grandparents, etc. I have linked the article as well as posted the questions below. What’s it like to read them?
What would your answers to these questions be? What comes up for you as you imagine going through these questions with your partner? Your best friend? Your mom? Your dad? Your co-worker? Your classmate? Your next door neighbor? What would it be like to go through these questions with someone you are just meeting for the first time? My hope is that you can explore these thoughts with curiosity and without judgement.
As always, take what is helpful, and leave the rest. Happy relating :)
Mandy Len Catron’s 36 Questions to Fall in Love with a Stranger
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it
?15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Resources, References, and Links!
Podcasts
In and out of love - https://overcast.fm/+HuQJo5BHQ
How attachment affects our relationships https://overcast.fm/+FDfQ5aE-E
Attachment trust and being seen https://overcast.fm/+FDfQ1UshM
How we love https://overcast.fm/+HuQIzm3iU
Trust and consequences
https://overcast.fm/+HuQKkyInk
Maslow's hierarchy of needs https://overcast.fm/+HuQItkpFI
Online Reads
Research Article - Interpersonal closeness https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167297234003
36 Questions that lead to love - NYT article https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/36-questions-that-lead-to-love.html
Books
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - https://www.powells.com/book/-9780802412706
Discovering your couple sexual style by Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy - https://www.powells.com/book/-9780415994699
Social by Matthew Lieberman -https://www.powells.com/book/-9780307889102
Apps
Lasting Marriage App https://apps.apple.com/us/app/lasting-marriage-health-app/id1225049619
Waking up - Meditation app https://apps.apple.com/us/app/waking-up-a-meditation-course/id1307736395