During times of trial and tribulation we must remember what makes humans human; our ability to adapt and rise in situations of change and uncertainty. Another word for this is resilience. Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or other significant sources of stress. Humans are insanely resilient. We are insanely resilient. You are insanely resilient. You have survived 100% of your life experiences thus far, and that is no accident. We are in unprecedented times. There is a lot of certainty and fear circulating right now, which is totally normal, but we have to remember we are human. And being human means we are resilient. We are resilient, and we are in this together.
Resilience is not a trait that people either have or don’t, resilience involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions and can be learned and developed in anyone. Resilient people don't tune out the negative, resilient people tune into the good. This doesn’t mean avoiding the negative, or pretending it’s not that bad or that it’s not there. Resilient people hold the negative, they sit in it, but while they are sitting in it, they are also attuned to what is good in the world, what is going well in their life, they find things to be grateful for. I want to be careful around this idea, because I think it's easy to fall into almost toxic positivity. What I mean by that, is when we ignore the bad things that are happening, and almost pretend they are not there while only focusing on “the positives.” this is not resilience, and doesn't do anyone any good, it is invalidating to people who are experiencing hardship, fear, and other challenging experiences, and it does not allow for emotional integration when we are experiencing hard times. What we resist, persists, emotions are no exception to that. Resilience is about sitting through the bad, while looking for and appreciating the good. Easier said than done, right?
Here are some things you can do to practice and foster resiliency.
Intention Setting - the capacity to make realistic plans and take steps towards those plans. Intentions can be personal, emotional, professional, or academic. This can be as simple as finding gratitude at least once a day, or committing to a daily movement practice, or communicating your needs to your partner. Intentions are just that, something you intend to do. It doesn't mean you're perfect at it. It doesn't mean you are successful 100% of the time. It means coming back to your intention when you fall off, coming back when you find you have moved away from it. Because at some point we will, because we’re only human.
Positive Self Esteem - positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities. This can be a tough one, but it's super important. Make a list of your strengths, what are you good at, how would your friends describe you, what would your family say are your top qualities or contributions to the whole? The more you can write the better. This is not an exercise of ego, or narcissism. We deserve to feel good about ourselves and sometimes it can be hard to remember what we are good at when we face adversity. So keep this list close, and come back to it any time you are feeling down on yourself, and remind yourself of your strengths, because we all have them, even if we can only see them when other people point them out. The idea is that you can learn to point them out to yourself, so when you catch your inner critic telling you all the ways you’ve screwed up, your inner resilience can remind you of all the things that enable you to survive.
Social Support - developing and maintaining nurturing relationships with friends, family, co-workers, teachers, supervisors, religious figures, or any other person of support in your community. We need each-other, now more than ever. Check on your family, friends, neighbors. Offer help if you can. Let people know you are thinking of them. Even if you don’t know what to say, say that “Hey I don’t really know what to talk about but I just wanted to reach out. Or hey, just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you.” It can feel uncomfortable to do this, especially to people we haven’t talked to in a while, but these little moments of connection are so important. We are stronger together.
Emotional and Physical Regulation - the capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses. Physical exercise allows us to connect with our body and learn how to release tensions that are held in the body. This is where self care comes in. Take a bath. Take a walk, do a 30 minute yoga flow. Journal, cry, write, draw, paint. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and help express some of the things your body and mind are thinking and feeling.
Cognitive Flexibility - the ability to hold things in duality, finding good in adverse situations, remaining open to one's approach in solving problems, using mental strategies to enhance positivity and decrease negativity in one's mind. This can be hard but is so important. We have to move away from the black and white thinking. Things are not all bad or all good. Things can be terrible, adverse, and feel like they are all bad, but it’s our ability to look for and experience the good that will transform a situation. If you find yourself in a negative thought spiral, try playing the role of devil's advocate with yourself, if someone had to make an argument against what you are saying or thinking, what would they say? What would they point out to you as good that can be taken away. Again, this is not meant to invalidate your experience. This is just an attempt to break us out of the tunnel vision; to help the situation suck less.
Problem Solving - ability to creatively think about and find ways to solve problems as they come along. Flex that creative muscle. There are more ways to solve and approach problems than we think, it just requires a little effort. As adults we can get stuck into the same patterns of thinking and being, because over time, we have found what typically works, and so we do more of that. The problem comes when what we typically do, no longer is effective, or circumstances change and we have to adapt our thinking. Consult with the children or young adults you have in your life. Or channel your inner child. What are 10 different ways you could solve the problem right now? (magic/ impractical solutions encouraged). The point is not to necessarily solve the problem, but again, break out of the tunnel vision of typical everyday ways of thinking. When we open our minds to creativity, we can come up with novel ideas that may actually lead us to solving our problem in a new way.
Communication Skills - the ability to identify and communicate needs to oneself and others. Something we can all get better at. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. People are not mind-readers, if there is something on your mind, say it. If you need something, ask for it. If someone made you feel bad, tell them (if it's safe). We have to learn to ask for what we need because we can’t expect other people to just know and give it to us. We have to talk to each other. We learn about ourselves the same way other people learn about us, by talking. By translating our thoughts and feelings into language.
As always, take what is helpful and leave the rest.
References and Resources
Podcasts
Family hope and resilience on the migrant trail - https://overcast.fm/+TEHHcw
Linda graham on strengthening resilience https://overcast.fm/+BcDl-GTR8
What is resilience and how do we work with it https://overcast.fm/+FDfTgUHyc
Finding resilience as we face new disasters https://overcast.fm/+M6596-zf4
Tal Ben-Shahar - tips on resilience https://overcast.fm/+TTomXjC-o
Videos
Three secrets of resilient people - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw
What trauma taught me about resilience - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qELiw_1Ddg
Resilience - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF2hQ0XLf6U
How to practice emotional first aide https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2hc2FLOdhI
The power of emotional courage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDQ1Mi5I4rg
Why beautiful things make us happy Kurgesagt https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O5kNPlUV7w
Books
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - https://www.powells.com/book/-9781878424310
Rising Strong by Brene Brown - https://www.powells.com/book/-9780812985801
On Being Human by Jennifer Pastiloff - https://www.powells.com/book/-9781524743567
If you Feel Too Much By Jamie Tworksowski - https://www.powells.com/book/-9780399176494
Language of Emotions - by Karla McLaren -https://www.powells.com/book/-9781591797692
Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch -https://www.powells.com/book/-9780142181072
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk - https://www.powells.com/book/-9780143127741